Written 24 April 2015
I was challenged by my (then) wife about the "real reason" I wanted a divorce. I realized years ago it did no good to respond to these accusations with honesty, as honest answers are complicated, take a lot of time, and usually weren't listened to/believed anyway. So I wrote this in response for my own edification/exploration
* * * * *
The real reason is that I am a flawed and broken person. There are so many things I have failed at, so many things I want (especially from you) that I don't know how to get, so much I've screwed up, so many times I've hurt people, especially you... And this has been unacceptable. You haven't approved of who I am in all these years. Sure, you tell me how attractive I am and how much you love me, but when it matters most, when I am at my lowest, you don't want me the way I am really am, you would rather have a version of me that will never exist. Not that I haven't struggled and beat myself up our entire marriage to become that man... But I never will. And what I've learned over 20 years of trying is that I am okay the way I am. But you won't take me this way, and it's unfair and unreasonable for me to expect you to change, and you really do deserve that man you've been looking for (regrettably, in me) all these years. And that is the real reason.
The sad thing is that I DID accept you for who you were. It was only the disrespect and lying that I couldn'the accept. Everything else, I was okay with... it was only you that weren'the okay with who you were. I loved you and tried to be the best wife I could, but, for some reason I was never good enough being who I was... some other woman was always better.
ReplyDeleteEven now... I still want you and love you. I want no one else. I just wish that you good accept and trust my sincerity.
No mater how many times you say or do mean things, I know it isn'the the real you. The man I married was kindhearted, loving, giving, and protective of me. Please tell me where he has gone? I have searched for years and cannot find him.but, I still want him. I will love you always.