A Rant

The older I get, and the more times I repeat the cycle, the more it becomes clear that having a good life means ONE THING about 89% of the time: getting your head out of your ass.

Not enough sleep? Turn off the TV and put your phone away at bedtime. Don't like how you look? Get some exercise and stop eating crap. Hate your job? Go get a new one, or maybe get that schooling you need for a better position. Not enough time for what's important? Delete your social media apps from your phone and see what happens.

If your house is dirty, sitting around complaining about it won't make it clean. Do the dishes, sweep the floors, scrub that mold out of your shower stall. It's hard work, but you already know nothing else will fix it, it doesn't all have to be done at once, and when you're done you'll feel better. Life is the same way.

Yes, SOMETIMES YOU NEED HELP. Nobody can do everything alone. Maturity is about learning your limits and the balance between independence and stubbornness. The difference is about what pushes you toward, or keep you from, your goals.

Ultimately, you aren't a victim of society or at the whim of fate; YOU are your biggest obstacle. Take charge of your life and build something, for yourself and those you love. Nobody else is going to sort out your shit because they're all on their own journeys.

Don't begrudge someone else's success; someone (usually them) has worked hard to get that. If you want to enjoy the same things they have, you have to do the same work.

[unfinished]

Unsolicited Unnouncement

This unsolicited announcement is brought to you by my absolute need to LIVE and LOVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY and without the approval of others. I have busted my ass the last several years to find out what happiness means and pursue it. I struggled to adjust to circumstances beyond my control, repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself nightly like a chant. I went to a therapist for years to sort my differences with others and get a weekly sanity check on what I thought was healthy and reasonable. I attended support groups and coaching. And I forged a better, stronger, deeper version of myself, something on the life path I believe I need to travel, instead of what had been chosen for me by others or the roads I'd taken haphazardly of my own volition just to keep the people around me happy.

I sincerely tried to work with what I had. I put faith in unconditional love. I put faith in acceptance. I haven't been perfect, after all. I just wanted to feel better about myself, as if my life had purpose, that I was in control of my own happiness. I wanted to rely on the people around me for reassurance as I grew, but I had to move on without it. I made the most painful, difficult decision of my life in a basement on July 10, 2014, and my family will live with the consequences of a string of decisions made since that day for the rest of their lives.

I didn't want all that; I just wanted to not go slowly insane over the years. I wanted happiness.

In the 5 years since, I've rebuilt. I have actively tried to maintain family connections while still protecting my dignity; it hasn't always worked. I grew a friendship into a loving partnership. I have taken steps in my career and other aspects of my life my old fears never would have allowed, and I've prospered. I finally know myself, and the people around have finally had a chance to meet that man, too. Now, they get to know me for who I am, not the person I was pretending to be in order to hide the pain and confusion I felt about my daily existence.

I have finally taken full ownership of my life.

Still, not everyone is on board. Old wounds won't heal if you continually tear off the scabs and refuse to take responsibility for your own, feelings, and pain, and life... your own Self. And in spite of my new strength and growth, I am reminded a few times a year by a select few people that my own gains are still fragile. It is hurtful, and it is sobering. These reminders come in the form of harsh words and disappointment and accusations that were born many years ago. They tear away at newly grown confidence and barely hardened resolve at my new direction in life. They erode the soil under new roots critical to my future. The accusatory voice of a child is still one of the most painful sounds in the world.

So here's the announcement: I don't care whether you approve of what I've done. I don't care if you agree with my path to happiness. I acknowledge that I've hurt you, and I apologize. But we both know we'll be in each other's lives forever, and I will love you until I die. If I must love you from a distance because you refuse to accept me as-is, so be it. You have stomped your foot to prove independence over and over, but still come back for help when the people who haven't yet figured their lives out are too enmeshed with their BS to be capable of giving you what you need. If you don't like what I feel I must do to protect myself, you won't get what you're asking for. I want to help you, and it hurts me that you refuse to let me in a way I know how, but I won't take the blame for your situation afterward. It's true we will each have to give a little to grow trust, and I'm on board with that, but we have to move together, on both our terms, or I don't move at all.

SCWA