Monday, July 18, 2011


Colin and Christine Weir, winners
of the EuroMillions jackpot

A Letter to my Future Admirers

Dear All,

First, let me thank you for the heartfelt congratulations offered by so many. Despite the fact that none of you ever paid much attention to my existence before I hit the jackpot, I am sure each of you is sincere in your regards. I'm sure you can imagine that this has been an extraordinarily busy and confusing time for me and my family as we try to sort out and secure our financial affairs, so all the support so generously offered has been much appreciated.

Now then, let me address those of you who have asked for a share of my winnings in the most concise possible way: NO EFFING WAY. Please take a moment, before your undoubtely angry reaction to my statement, to reflect on how you've dealt with (or not dealt with) your financial woes up to this point in your lives. I encourage you to continue this course of action--or not. After all, it's likely your personal financial habits that got you into trouble in the first place. (I know that--until last month--my own family's habits with money were what kept us from building wealth.)

Anyway, you've been satisfied with your existing arrangement for God knows how long; I can't imagine what sort of thing would change that would suddenly require my intervention, and I refuse to believe that, whatever thing has changed, the timing of this recent turn of events coinciding with my redemption of a winning lottery ticket is a random happenstance. I know you've probably described how your situation differs from my assumption wholly in all those letters you've been sending, but I admit I haven't read a single one of them. Be comforted, however, in the knowledge that I will be forwarding your letter in one of the many bundles I'm preparing to send to various charities, along with a check for some donation I'm making to each organization. Enclosed is my working list of the charities I'm considering; maybe they'll put you on their list of recipients.

You see, I'm not completely heartless. I'm not even partly heartless. I care a great deal for my fellow humans. Please understand that it is my personal belief that our creator gave each of us unique gifts and talents with which to sustain ourselves. The extent to which we have worked to discover and develop those gifts and talents is directly proportional to our personal success in this physical existence. It is not within my means, or anyone's means, to support those who have yet to discover his/her intended Path. Just ask the government; they've been trying it for decades, and their annually budgeted aid comes to a three-digit multiple of the amount on the check you've seen me holding on TV. Money, you see, cannot fix your problems, regardless of how much there is or who it comes from.

Also, please consider the fact that I myself have endured a solidly middle class, blue collar existence for my entire life excluding the last handful of weeks. I made the best of it. I was resigned to the fact that I would continue in that existence until the end of my days, and I was okay with that. Sure I had meager investments and a 401k and some plans to borrow on behalf of my children so they could educate themselves above such a life for themselves, but that was it; that was the Master Plan: to go to work every day, to take care of myself and my family, and spend a little and save a little. I admit there was a time when our family needed assistance--we swallowed our pride and asked for it. And got it. Then we were okay again, and it went to someone else. It's not exactly the American Dream, but it's a close version of it, and it facilitated my efforts in the meantime to discover aforementioned gifts and talents in the hopes that they could be used to increase (slowly, if need be) the material means by which I made my daily life. When I say to you "reflect on how you've dealt with" and "encourage you to continue", I'm saying that, whatever arrangement you have at the moment, you've got to find a way to make it work the same way 99% of the population, including me until last month, have always done.

I know not all of you who read this will agree or understand. For those people, who would send me hate mail for not sending them money anyway, I have just one thing to say: [explitive deleted]. To all the rest, as I said before, I appreciate all your well wishes and congratulations, and thank you for your support and understanding in my desire to be left the hell alone.

Fond Wishes from Barbados,

Me and My Family

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