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(15 August 2006)

I'm falling down again. In the last 3 days I've seen increasing changes in my mood and energy, and today the light came on. I'm scared as hell.

I'm on the verge of a major commitment and I'm unsure whether I should make it. I'm on my own at work and I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm missing a dear friend. I'm unsafe at home, or at least I perceive that I am.

I don't want to go back on medication. Self-administered has been restricted, which is in itself a good thing, but symptoms reappear like so many gophers popping their heads up to ensure the coast is clear. And once those suckers start chirping, the whole colony heads out unhindered.

There is a relationship I've abused, and at least two jobs I've fallen down on. The relationship needs immediate remedy; the jobs are urgent but just jobs. Energy-tapping devices (biking, music, hard labor) should be in full force this week. But I'm not sure I'll pull myself out that quickly. The yard sure could use it, though.