My Wife's World-Saving Discovery

Bureau of Justice statistics show that the state prison populations increased an average of nearly 6% between 1980 and 2004 for violent, property, drug, and public order crimes. Actual figures show an increase of almost 1 million prisoners during the study period, an average of 50,000 people per year.

That's a lot of people getting busted, and if the iceberg rule applies, it means there are millions more who contemplate crimes that would lead to imprisonment. Fortunately, my wife has stumbled upon a product that can help save our nation from this dilemma, not only halting the rapid increase in prison population, but ultimately reducing it to record low numbers.

What is this product, you might ask? Nothing complicated, nothing expensive--nothing short of a miracle, I say. It's simply this: Kroger brand toilet paper. Every bathroom in our house is currently stocked with this product, and I can tell you with great assuredness that I need not spend the weekend with beer and burritos to fear its use. The abrasive quality of this bathroom tissue is second only to 80 grit sandpaper, and the effect it would have on a prison population forced to use it exclusively would be excruciating.

This is a breakthrough tantamount to Bentham's panopticon. Faced with the prospect of wiping one's tender ass with this and only this paper ought to be enough to make any would-be perpetrator think twice about committing a crime. Think of the affect it would have on our mounting prison population. Replacing every roll of bath tissue currently in the prisons with this generic and abundant product could be done at nearly no cost to taxpayers while simultaneously boosting local economies as more of the paper is produced for a population currently numbering 1.3 million.

Utilizing a series of scientific and statistical techniques, it's my estimation that this simple change in the prison system could yield an overall population decrease of over 92% in the next 18 years. My conclusions are based on the following assumptions:

1. the prison population will have grown at the current average between 2004 and 2009
2. the new toilet paper will be introduced at some time during 2009
3. as word spreads about this new deterrent, the population will begin to decrease
4. initial decrease will be at the current average level of increase (5.86%)
   
5. as the horror stories are circulated, average population decrease will get 10% greater each year
   

As Figure 1 above clearly shows, by the year 2026, state prison populations will have dropped dramatically, ending in a total population of just under 125,000, less than half the 1980 population and a mere 7.4% of the projected 2009 population.

So now's the time to take action. Write your state governments and show them the numbers. Purchase and send a roll to your congressman for good measure. With enough good people doing the right thing, we can change the world, folks, and it begins with a single wipe.